So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
