And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
