Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
