Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
