I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
