i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
