As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
