Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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