Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
