Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
