Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
