chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
