i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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