You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
