OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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