I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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