Pants 0. Shit 1.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
