Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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