I'm jealous of your bromance
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
