Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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