So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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