Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
