I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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