i think my tv is drunk
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
