Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
