I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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