My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
