Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
