so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
