Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up under a house in Key West
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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