Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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