I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
