Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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