So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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