Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
