you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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