the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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