Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
