Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
