he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
