The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just found puke in my bra..
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
ttyl tear gas
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
