if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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