The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
