did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
