just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
