I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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