Your mouth is God's brothel.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
