dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
