i love accidental penises.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
