I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
