don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
