just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
